the best I can do..

..is pray and entrust everything that I have, with all my heart, to Him.

we were very happy when we learned that I am pregnant. same with our families and friends. everyone is excited about it. Even I could not contain the happiness, especially my hubby. I already made a routine of eating around 4-5pm since I feel hungry more often. At night, mid-night snack? I'd have rice again. =D 

kaya naman on my 2nd check-up I gained 2kls after 3weeks. my tummy is (a bit) bulgier than ever. I am starting to run out of loose clothes. coz I usually wear body-hugging blouses. hindi ko na sila masuot, magmumukha na akong butete. hihihi. good thing is that I am not suffering much from morning sickness. i'm not nauseous, no vomiting. but i'm always sleepy. I am feeling some discomfort in my tummy, some short-sharp-tolerable pain. I started to associate it to hunger, coz it usually eases after eating.

i feel normal for all these that I am going through. I've read that the tummy pain is due to the uterine wall is expanding as well as the hip muscles, kaya pala minsan masakit yung balakang ko. Again, I feel normal. Although hindi ko alam how a pregnant woman should be feeling. Kung talaga nga kaya normal ako? pero baket naman hindi?

nung 2nd visit namin sa OB, 20 April, according sa calculation nya i'm going on my 8th week. so we were very excited nung in-scan ako. we were expecting makikita na namin yung heartbeat ni baby. he got bigger, around 12mm. mejo nahirapan pa nga sya 'picture-an' ni doc. pero wala pang heartbeat. Hindi ako nag worry after hearing that, coz I know it may take time pa. coz based on 'our own' calculation, i'm around 6weeks pa lang. The OB asked us to be back the next week for another ultrasound. she told us not to worry kasi nga baka mali lang ung calculations. pero sinabi pa rin nya lahat ng posibilities. pero same pa rin naman kame. We are back in our routines and I am resting more often. though that week, I attended some interviews. kasi nga nawalan ako ng work. so kelangan ko maghanap ng bagong work, before pa lumaki ang tyan ko hehe.

after a week, bumalik kame sa OB. praying na sana ok na lahat. pero sabi ni dra. hindi pa rin makita yung heartbeat ng baby namin. i dunno kung makapal lang ba yung bilbil ko kaya hindi makita mabuti or what. I am trying to be just as calm as possible. both ultrasound and trans-V, hindi raw nya makita. sabi ng doc we could wait a while and wait for another week for some development or do some blood tests to check on my HCG count, mas mabilis daw yung blood test. Sabi nya if my hcg count drops then hindi magandang sign. so as not to prolong the agony, we took the blood test monday and tuesday and the signs were not good. at this moment, parang namanhid ako. she's implying something I really won't accept. she's mentioning that we can opt for D&C, to force the evacuation of the emryo. what?? no way. I told her we can still wait for another month and have a check again. pero sabi nya we have to get back to her after 2weeks. fine. in fairness, sinasagot naman nya mga tanong ng asawa ko regarding my health. 

hindi ko alam pano ko na-control yung sarili ko that time. naka-uwi kame ng maayos. casual. nakakatawa pa nga kame. pero once we're alone in our room. it's totally different.

right now, I am still taking my vitamins. i took some folic acid dito sa clinic malapit sa amin, kasi hindi na ako binigyan ng OB ko. still in our routines. i still have apetite for food. i will be seeing another OB next week. I have told mame and sinabi na rin ni Ilo kay nanay. not to make them worry, rather so that they can help us pray. we are not giving up. its just that we have entrusted all our lives with our Lord.