irony on mother's day

updates.. updates..

i met another OB last 4 May, as recommended by my tp. good thing there's an available slot on that day. this OB is older and much more experienced, hence she's straightforward. when I was registering at the counter, i had to answer one question that they provided. "Are you keeping the pregnancy?" - I answered YES.

when we met up with the doctor, we told her that we're there for the second opinion. she asked the usual stuff. we asked if she wanted to see my previous scans, she answered "no need" and guided me to prepare for the ultrasound. this is it.. the final confirmation.

As she placed that "scanner" on my tummy I immediately looked at our baby at the monitor. i noticed that it's small, didn't got bigger, still. I was trying to convince my self that I will see the bump in the middle of this tiny little embryo. there's none. the doctor asked if we were able to hear/see the heartbeat from last month. she turned on something to trace any sound/beat from inside my womb. still there's none. the doctor said that it is confirmed. there's no heartbeat for our baby. no change for his size also. he was 12mm nung april 20 and for est. 9weeks, it's too small.

the doctor helped us understand how to accept things as they are. that we should look at it on a brighter side. the embryo didn't continue to its development for reasons no one can specifically define. its a natural selection. if the embryo is healthy enough to survive within its environment, everything will be fine. but then again, its not.

this time around I am prepared, ready to accept things. who am I to doubt His plans for us? He surely have better plans ahead. sana lang masundan namin ang mga guide Nya.

so what will happen next? we tried to wait for me bleed, pero until now wala pa din kahit contractions wala. matindi ba ang kapit? so got no option but to undergo "evacuation of the uterus" - raspa. i-force na linisin yung womb ko.. its the same as abortion, the only difference is that this baby doesn't have a heartbeat. tomorrow i-admit na ako sa hospital. scary.. buti na lang papatulugin daw ako during the operation.

sinabi na namin sa mga parents namin.. and lahat sila gusto akong pauwiin ng pinas. sana nga ganun kadali.. pero hindi kasi ako pwede umuwi. may work na kasi ako.. maybe mas mabuti ng dito na lang ako. para hindi sila masyado malungkot. hindi naman sila dapat mag-worry. we'll be fine. nandito naman si ilo at yung hipag ko.

ang irony nga naman ng buhay.. on mother's day pa maalis ang pagkakataon na maging nanay na ako..

the best I can do..

..is pray and entrust everything that I have, with all my heart, to Him.

we were very happy when we learned that I am pregnant. same with our families and friends. everyone is excited about it. Even I could not contain the happiness, especially my hubby. I already made a routine of eating around 4-5pm since I feel hungry more often. At night, mid-night snack? I'd have rice again. =D 

kaya naman on my 2nd check-up I gained 2kls after 3weeks. my tummy is (a bit) bulgier than ever. I am starting to run out of loose clothes. coz I usually wear body-hugging blouses. hindi ko na sila masuot, magmumukha na akong butete. hihihi. good thing is that I am not suffering much from morning sickness. i'm not nauseous, no vomiting. but i'm always sleepy. I am feeling some discomfort in my tummy, some short-sharp-tolerable pain. I started to associate it to hunger, coz it usually eases after eating.

i feel normal for all these that I am going through. I've read that the tummy pain is due to the uterine wall is expanding as well as the hip muscles, kaya pala minsan masakit yung balakang ko. Again, I feel normal. Although hindi ko alam how a pregnant woman should be feeling. Kung talaga nga kaya normal ako? pero baket naman hindi?

nung 2nd visit namin sa OB, 20 April, according sa calculation nya i'm going on my 8th week. so we were very excited nung in-scan ako. we were expecting makikita na namin yung heartbeat ni baby. he got bigger, around 12mm. mejo nahirapan pa nga sya 'picture-an' ni doc. pero wala pang heartbeat. Hindi ako nag worry after hearing that, coz I know it may take time pa. coz based on 'our own' calculation, i'm around 6weeks pa lang. The OB asked us to be back the next week for another ultrasound. she told us not to worry kasi nga baka mali lang ung calculations. pero sinabi pa rin nya lahat ng posibilities. pero same pa rin naman kame. We are back in our routines and I am resting more often. though that week, I attended some interviews. kasi nga nawalan ako ng work. so kelangan ko maghanap ng bagong work, before pa lumaki ang tyan ko hehe.

after a week, bumalik kame sa OB. praying na sana ok na lahat. pero sabi ni dra. hindi pa rin makita yung heartbeat ng baby namin. i dunno kung makapal lang ba yung bilbil ko kaya hindi makita mabuti or what. I am trying to be just as calm as possible. both ultrasound and trans-V, hindi raw nya makita. sabi ng doc we could wait a while and wait for another week for some development or do some blood tests to check on my HCG count, mas mabilis daw yung blood test. Sabi nya if my hcg count drops then hindi magandang sign. so as not to prolong the agony, we took the blood test monday and tuesday and the signs were not good. at this moment, parang namanhid ako. she's implying something I really won't accept. she's mentioning that we can opt for D&C, to force the evacuation of the emryo. what?? no way. I told her we can still wait for another month and have a check again. pero sabi nya we have to get back to her after 2weeks. fine. in fairness, sinasagot naman nya mga tanong ng asawa ko regarding my health. 

hindi ko alam pano ko na-control yung sarili ko that time. naka-uwi kame ng maayos. casual. nakakatawa pa nga kame. pero once we're alone in our room. it's totally different.

right now, I am still taking my vitamins. i took some folic acid dito sa clinic malapit sa amin, kasi hindi na ako binigyan ng OB ko. still in our routines. i still have apetite for food. i will be seeing another OB next week. I have told mame and sinabi na rin ni Ilo kay nanay. not to make them worry, rather so that they can help us pray. we are not giving up. its just that we have entrusted all our lives with our Lord.