irony on mother's day

updates.. updates..

i met another OB last 4 May, as recommended by my tp. good thing there's an available slot on that day. this OB is older and much more experienced, hence she's straightforward. when I was registering at the counter, i had to answer one question that they provided. "Are you keeping the pregnancy?" - I answered YES.

when we met up with the doctor, we told her that we're there for the second opinion. she asked the usual stuff. we asked if she wanted to see my previous scans, she answered "no need" and guided me to prepare for the ultrasound. this is it.. the final confirmation.

As she placed that "scanner" on my tummy I immediately looked at our baby at the monitor. i noticed that it's small, didn't got bigger, still. I was trying to convince my self that I will see the bump in the middle of this tiny little embryo. there's none. the doctor asked if we were able to hear/see the heartbeat from last month. she turned on something to trace any sound/beat from inside my womb. still there's none. the doctor said that it is confirmed. there's no heartbeat for our baby. no change for his size also. he was 12mm nung april 20 and for est. 9weeks, it's too small.

the doctor helped us understand how to accept things as they are. that we should look at it on a brighter side. the embryo didn't continue to its development for reasons no one can specifically define. its a natural selection. if the embryo is healthy enough to survive within its environment, everything will be fine. but then again, its not.

this time around I am prepared, ready to accept things. who am I to doubt His plans for us? He surely have better plans ahead. sana lang masundan namin ang mga guide Nya.

so what will happen next? we tried to wait for me bleed, pero until now wala pa din kahit contractions wala. matindi ba ang kapit? so got no option but to undergo "evacuation of the uterus" - raspa. i-force na linisin yung womb ko.. its the same as abortion, the only difference is that this baby doesn't have a heartbeat. tomorrow i-admit na ako sa hospital. scary.. buti na lang papatulugin daw ako during the operation.

sinabi na namin sa mga parents namin.. and lahat sila gusto akong pauwiin ng pinas. sana nga ganun kadali.. pero hindi kasi ako pwede umuwi. may work na kasi ako.. maybe mas mabuti ng dito na lang ako. para hindi sila masyado malungkot. hindi naman sila dapat mag-worry. we'll be fine. nandito naman si ilo at yung hipag ko.

ang irony nga naman ng buhay.. on mother's day pa maalis ang pagkakataon na maging nanay na ako..